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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24244564">and i am losing you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/artanogon/pseuds/artanogon'>artanogon</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Ranger's Apprentice - John Flanagan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Crowley pulls an Alyss, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Missing Scene, but he’s okay!!, for Lyn bc they’re a got damn gift to humanity, it’s Fuck Flanagan hours folks, no one dies</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 20:35:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,672</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24244564</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/artanogon/pseuds/artanogon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Halt stepped back and gave Crowley a solemn nod. </p><p>“Be safe.”</p><p>Crowley didn’t look back as he plunged towards the fire.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Crowley Meratyn/Halt O'Carrick</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>39</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>and i am losing you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/theravenlyn/gifts">theravenlyn</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hello folks! i’m back with a gift for the wondrous @theravenlyn, whose cralt sketch on tumblr made me want to write a fic. then i got invested. and somehow it ended up being almost 5k. whoooops</p><p>link to the post is here: https://theravenlyn-art.tumblr.com/post/613687596290277376/theravenlyn-art-no-one-asked-for-this-and-yet</p><p>much thanks to @elizathehumancarrot for betaing!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was, quite frankly, an unreasonable hour of the morning for Crowley to already be off trying to get himself killed. Halt had just woken up, barely starting to blink away the bleariness of sleep and then Crowley was stumbling into the clearing, his hair dishevelled and eyes wide. Halt sprung from his casual position at the panic evident in Crowley’s manner, drawing out his bow, ready to face the threat. “What is it?”</p><p>“Mercenaries,” Crowley gasped. A thin cut like a whip from a tree branch dribbled blood down his flushed cheek. “Hit the town overnight. Fires.” He paused, taking a long breath. “Found a couple still on the run.” </p><p>“Are there any still around?” Halt asked, bringing a water skin over to his friend. Crowley took it gratefully and drank deeply, then shook his head.</p><p>“Sent them running. Then came back here as fast as I could.”</p><p>The distance from here to the town was nearly ten kilometres, and judging by Crowley’s heavy breathing, he’d sprinted the way instead of riding. Indeed, Cropper was still over with Abelard, watching them curiously. Halt raised his eyebrows involuntarily. Had it really been that urgent?</p><p>Crowley seemed to read the unanswered question in Halt’s gaze, then breathed out. “I didn’t want to bring him near the village. Most of it’s already up in flames.”</p><p>Halt could smell the wood smoke on the air now, burning his nostrils even from this distance. He turned in the direction of the village and could see the smoke rising into the sky. He frowned and shook his head, then turned back to Crowley. “What can we do to help?”</p><p>His friend frowned. “They’re starting to get water from the river—or they were when I left—and trying to stop the blaze from spreading. We should go check and make sure there’s no occupants stuck in their houses.” He shuddered at the thought. </p><p>Halt nodded and looked to Abelard instinctively, then decided against it. He and Crowley were both fit and fast runners, and it wouldn’t do to put their horses at risk like that when they could handle it just fine themselves. Although they should probably wait a few more minutes before they left. That would give Crowley time to catch his breath. A run through the tricky tangle of forest leading up to their campsite was not an easy one to navigate. </p><p>Crowley, ever observant, caught the slight concern as Halt looked at him. He gave him a tired grin and took one last drink of water, tucking back the loose strands of hair from around his face. “Worried, then?”</p><p>Halt raised an eyebrow. “You don’t look dead or dying to me. I’ve not got cause to be worrying yet.”</p><p>“Yet,” Crowley said cheerfully, slapping his shoulder and motioning to the village beyond. His face turned serious. “Shall we?”</p><p><i> You sure you’re alright for it? </i>The question hovered on the tip of Halt’s tongue, but he swallowed it down and gave a simple nod instead. Together they took off through the line of trees, making good time even among the tangle of branches and roots. Sure, Halt got a few brambles in his boot, but that was alright. Nothing he wasn’t used to, and besides, there were more important things going on right now. As they got closer, Halt could make out faint cries and the crackling of flames. The smoke was thicker now and stung at his throat as he ran. Beside him, Crowley was falling behind. He seemed much slower than he normally was. </p><p>They broke the cover of the trees and Halt could see the blaze almost in full. The thatched roofs were alight with roaring orange, and Crowley hadn’t been exaggerating when he said most of it was already burning. This wasn’t the work of some spontaneous accident. This was something that had been set up and planned, doubtlessly orchestrated by a culprit lurking behind the scenes. </p><p>Faint figures moved through the flames in the early morning light, yelling to each other. Halt burst into a sprint again, Crowley close behind him until they’d crossed both the meadow and dirt path, now at the entrance to the village. A farmer staggered up to them, relief evident on his face. </p><p>“Rangers,” he breathed as if their coming was some sort of signal that everything would be alright.</p><p>“What can we do to help?” Halt asked, gesturing at the disaster in front of them. “Do you want us to check the houses?” </p><p>The farmer nodded. “Aye. And wake up the ones farther out if they’ve somehow slept through it.” He paused, lips tight as he watched the town in front of him burn. “We’ve called for help.” He shook his head. “‘S a shame. Lived here for ten years and never seen anything like it.”</p><p> Crowley stepped up to Halt’s side. “We’re sorry if this is any fault of ours.” </p><p>“‘S alright,” said the farmer. “We’ll get through it. You’d best be off and looking, though, ‘fore it’s too late.” </p><p>Halt nodded, then motioned to Crowley. Together, they plunged into the midst of the chaos. </p><p>Halt nearly choked on the first lungful of smoke, then quickly pulled his cloak close and arranged it over his mouth and nose in lieu of a mask. Crowley did the same, and they began to go from door to door. Once they entered the reach of the fires, sparks began to spray down on them. The smoke was nearly blinding; it stung at Halt’s eyes and throat even through the mask. </p><p>By the time they’d gotten to the outskirts of the village, the entire place behind them had gone up in flames. The water had helped some, but it simply wasn’t enough. The villagers would need more assistance— the only thing keeping the fire from catching in the meadow and forest was the wide dirt road between them. </p><p>Here at the outskirts, where the view of the village was left behind, people were still in their houses, unaware of the imminent danger. Many were still asleep. Most of the doors out here were bolted shut as well, likely as protection against bandits. Halt and Crowley began resorting to breaking them down.</p><p>Even at this distance, a clump of fires had caught at the next segment. The trees between the main village and the grouping had become giant torches, lighting up the surrounding houses and meadows. This area was the furthest from the nearby river, meaning they would be one of the last to get help. What had once been acres of food and gardening plots were charred husks. Several of the houses were already scorched black and collapsing. The sturdy layered pine roofs were welcome protection from heavy snow and rains, but an incredible danger in the event of a fire.</p><p>At one of the doors Halt pulled open, a chunk of flaming wood nearly collapsed on him. Thankfully, Halt was able to jump back and evade it. Even though it blocked the door, the house turned out to be empty. </p><p>After an hour’s rushing about, it seemed they’d finally checked the whole area. The two of them paused to rest a minute. Ash blackened Crowley’s cheeks and hair and Halt doubted he looked any better. Crowley sat and slumped against one of the still-standing trees, looking exhausted. It made sense-- he’d run to the village and back, then to the village again. Now he’d been scrambling around and running up flights of burning stairs. Crowley looked at him, then gave him a slight, weary smile, but it looked forced. There was none of Crowley’s genuine humour in it.</p><p>Even though they’d checked the houses, cries of anguish still rose around them. How many had been lost? How many had they still not managed to save? Had they missed anyone?</p><p>It was that thought that spurred Halt to movement. He extended a hand to Crowley to help him up. Crowley looked at his hand and drew a deep breath that turned into a hacking cough, so heavy Crowley’s shoulders shook. Halt’s heart leapt into his throat and he knelt instinctively, searching Crowley’s face. </p><p>“Are you—” he began.</p><p>Crowley waved him off and stood up, leaning against the tree for support. “I’m alright. Just a little smoke.”</p><p>“That’s still—” Crowley gave him an exasperated look and Halt fell silent. </p><p>“I told you, I’ll be alright. Let’s go check in.” Without waiting for an answer, Crowley strode off, muffling another cough behind his hand. Halt watched him with concern, but followed him anyway. </p><p>The quick walk was spent in relative silence between them, the urgent cries and crackle of flames in the background mingled with the sound of collapsing wood houses was noise aplenty. The silence was heavy and awkward; worry still gnawed at the edge of Halt’s consciousness. Crowley had to be exhausted, and the weariness in his expression was poorly hidden. It would probably be for the best if Halt were to reach out, stop him, tell him to sit down, to do something. But he didn’t. The tension between them was nigh on unbearable. </p><p>But perhaps that silence was a good thing, because without it, they never would have heard the faint cry for help from a group of burning houses to their left. </p><p>They both whipped towards the noise, then heard it again. The cry was quieter, as if the speaker was slowly losing their strength. Without words or confirmation, they broke into a run towards the ring of fire. </p><p>The houses were so close together they’d coalesced into one large inferno, barely enough gaps between the houses to see. All the structures were tilting and unstable, and it wouldn’t be long before the entire thing would be gone. They could see no source of the voice through the thick cloud of smoke— but then, a little girl leaning out one of the windows of a house right in the middle of the fire. She was slumped over the windowsill, the smoke stifling her lungs while the heat sapped her strength. The roof was sagging alarmingly as well. They didn’t have long to get her out of there. If they were even a few seconds too late, she could die. </p><p>Halt drew his cloak back over his mouth, turning to his friend. </p><p>Crowley spoke before he could. “I’m going to get her out.” His tone brooked no argument, but that wasn’t going to stop Halt anyway. </p><p>“You can’t. You’re obviously tired, that’s dangerous, you know you can’t put yourself in a position like that. Let me do it.”</p><p>“It’s not any less dangerous for you.”</p><p>Halt, however, was stubborn as a mule. “You’re vital. If you don’t make it out, what about the Corps?”</p><p>“They’ll find a new Commandant.” His face was grim. “Every minute we stand here arguing is another minute we put that girl in danger. We’re wasting time. Don’t argue with me, Halt.”</p><p>“But if you—”</p><p>“I couldn’t lose you, Halt. Will and Gilan couldn’t either. You know that. Just trust me. I’ll get out.” There was something vulnerable in his eyes, raw honesty mixed with grim determination. “We can’t leave her to die.” It was the thought of losing a child when they could have saved her that had Halt relenting. He stepped back and gave Crowley a solemn nod. </p><p>“Be safe.”</p><p>Crowley didn’t look back as he plunged towards the fire, his cloak fanning out behind him. He’d have to bypass multiple houses and all the spreading flames before he could get to the one where the girl was trapped. Halt’s mouth went dry at the thought of what would happen if Crowley were too slow— if the houses were to fall around him. He would be burned alive. </p><p>Fortunately, Crowley was a swift runner and he was already almost to the house, deftly dodging the patches of fire. The smoke around him grew ever thicker, barely enough for his mask to keep it out. The girl was limp at the window by now. The roof of the house still sagged alarmingly but it looked like Crowley would make it just in time. </p><p>Then disaster struck. </p><p>The edge of Crowley’s cloak caught on a patch of flames and the fire quickly spread up the material, snapping at his skin and turning the oil-coated material to cinders. Crowley ripped it off and continued to run, right into the thick of the smoke. But with his cloak had gone his mask, the only thing protecting him from the horrid smog filling his lungs and choking him. Halt followed as close as he dared towards the burning houses, counting the seconds in a state of near-frantic worry. He couldn’t remember much about the exact dangers of smoke, but he knew that the sheer amount of it Crowley would be exposed to could be enough to kill him. The fumes were so thick and soupy it was near impossible to see. Halt lost sight of the girl in the window first, and then Crowley vanished into the grey haze as well. Now came the waiting. </p><p>A minute passed by. Nothing. </p><p>And then, a great creaking, cracking noise. Halt ventured closer than was probably safe until he finally had a somewhat clear view again. The girl was gone from the window, but the roof was barely holding. The hollow dent sagged deep, far too deep. It could collapse any second. </p><p>Crowley. Where was Crowley?  </p><p>Almost two minutes had gone by, and then— and then—</p><p>The crash of the roof was earsplitting. Halt stood, his blood turning to ice in his veins, frozen to the spot as he watched the entire roof, rafters and all, cave downwards. The whole thing collapsed like a stack of playing cards, levelling the house to rubble as the fire sprang up with renewed vigour. If Crowley had still been under that, there was no way he would have survived. </p><p>Halt couldn’t breathe. Two minutes and twenty seconds, two minutes and a half, still nothing. His hands tightened into fists, his heartbeat a dull roar in his ears. He couldn’t hear anything, it was like he was underwater. Three minutes. Crowley was gone. He was gone, he hadn’t made it out. </p><p>But then, out of the haze crawled a tall figure. Crowley was on his knees, his hair grey and face smudged black with ash. He carried the young girl in his arms, limp and unconscious. He looked at Halt like a worshipper would look at the rising sun, relief and reverence in his unfocused eyes. He opened his mouth to speak but all that came out was a raspy cough. His shoulders slumped and he keeled forwards. His hair fanned around his head in the dirt, strands of red bright amid the dull-toned dust. </p><p>Halt ran to them and turned Crowley over, pulling the young girl from his arms. She couldn’t be more than eight years old, her dark hair long and arms thin. She seemed weak, frail. She'd been in there for a dangerous amount of time— there was no telling whether she was alive or not. He found a faint heartbeat and yelled for help, as loud as his raw and scorched lungs could bear. Fortunately, there were people nearby this time and they rushed to help. </p><p>“She needs a healer,” he managed to rasp. </p><p>The woman, who had scooped the girl into her arms, looked to Crowley. “What about your friend?”</p><p>Halt’s heart leapt into his mouth again. He’d nearly forgotten. He scrambled to his friend’s side, checking his pulse and desperately watching for the rise of his chest. He gave a long, relieved exhale when a fairly steady pulse answered him. Crowley wasn’t dead. He was alright. </p><p>They’d be alright. </p><p>~~~</p><p> </p><p>A day passed before Crowley finally woke. As the sunset had faded into the night, as dawn had passed the darkened sky and the warm hours of sunlight drew by, Halt remained at his side. He’d barely snatched a few hours of rest and eaten little food. Even if there was a heartbeat,  Crowley wasn’t safe yet. Halt had no way of knowing if his friend was in the clear, if he would make it. The slow drip of the hours was a torturous eternity. He forgot time beyond the shifting of the light through the simple room. </p><p>They’d been fortunate enough that help from a nearby town had already reached the village. The townspeople had taken them in, and both Crowley and the girl had been quickly brought to a healer. The healer had done the best he could to clear the smoke from their lungs and bring fresh air into the rooms, treating their injuries as well. Crowley had been badly burnt, and his arms were wrapped in bandages under his tunic. </p><p>When Halt had last checked, the girl was awake, though she was in poor condition and it was still hard for her to breathe. However, as the people from the village trickled in and the rest of the day continued, she seemed to be getting better. But still, Crowley laid unmoving and did not stir. </p><p>He woke in late afternoon, when Halt was in a half-dozing state brought on by little sleep. Halt lay with his head on his forearms, just drifting away, when there was a rustle of movement beside him. </p><p>He jolted awake instantly, raising himself from the bedsheets, and was met with a flash of hazel eyes. </p><p>“Hey, Halt,” Crowley said hoarsely, a faint smile touching the edges of his mouth. “Told you I’d get out.”</p><p>Halt gave a ragged gasp of relief, reaching out instinctively to touch the side of Crowley’s face. His skin was warm and a steady pulse beat beneath where Halt’s hand touched his neck. His friend’s smile softened and he placed a weak hand atop Halt’s. “I’m alright.”</p><p>Something burned in Halt’s chest at those words. Anger, sudden and white-hot, so bitter it almost choked him. “Would you stop saying that? You keep saying that and you’re not. You almost died.” He drew his hands back and scrubbed his face with them, emotions washing over him like a tide threatening to sweep him away in the undertow. “You senselessly, selfishly risked your life, when I was perfectly capable of handling it. I thought you were better than this.”</p><p>Crowley paused, then gave a long sigh. Halt raised his head from his hands and was surprised to see regret written on Crowley’s face. He reached on and placed a hand on Halt’s shoulder, so gentle there was barely any weight at all. </p><p>“I know. I get it. I was selfish, I know. But I couldn’t stand to let you run into that, to risk yourself. I couldn’t lose you like that.”</p><p>“And what about <i> me? </i>” Halt’s voice broke. The question was so vulnerable, so genuine it stopped Crowley in his tracks. “What if I’d lost you? You’re not disposable. I’d…” He shook his head, hiding his eyes again. “You can’t leave me like that.”</p><p>Halt’s eyes burned and the words nearly caught in his throat. He hated being open like this, being vulnerable. It was never easy, and certainly not in a situation like this. “I just—” He found he couldn’t go on. </p><p>Crowley’s gaze softened as he watched Halt struggling. He lifted Halt’s chin, still gentle, and realised with a shock that there were tears brimming in Halt’s eyes. The sight of that alone was almost enough to have him falling to his knees and begging Halt’s forgiveness. Instead, he reached out his other hand and tugged Halt over by the arm. </p><p>“Come here, you emotionally stunted idiot,” he murmured. Halt moved to sit beside him on the edge of the bed and Crowley sat up as well, leaning against the headboard. He ran his fingers softly along Halt’s arm, not looking his friend in the eyes. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>Halt swallowed. “Just don’t scare me like that again.” He tried for sternness, but the words came out choked. </p><p>Feelings, damn them. </p><p>“I won’t.” Crowley leaned over as best he could and pressed a kiss to Halt’s forehead. “I promise. I’ll try not to get up to any more reckless shenanigans.”</p><p>“Well, maybe just not any dangerous ones. I know you love reckless shenanigans.”</p><p>Crowley gave a low half-laugh. Halt met gazes with him, an approximation of a faint smile tugging at his lips. He leaned to the side, bracing an arm on his knee and giving Crowley a quick kiss. When he pulled back, Crowley caught him by the hand, giving him a disappointed face. </p><p>“I can’t kiss you properly like that. You should come here.”</p><p>Halt raised an eyebrow. “You’re injured.”</p><p>“I know. That’s why <i> you </i> should come to <i> me. </i>”</p><p>Halt huffed a bit, but moved onto his knees and bridged the distance between them, straddling Crowley’s lap. “Does this work better for you?”</p><p>“Much,” Crowley said with a smile back on his face. He brushed a hand along the planes of Halt’s chest, sending shivers down Halt’s spine. “I would have missed this.” Remorse was written plainly across his expression. “I don’t know what I would have done without you.”</p><p>“I don’t either.” Halt drew an unsteady hand through the thick tangle of Crowley’s hair as the burning persisted in the back of his throat. “I just— I need you.”</p><p>Crowley’s heart ached and he wrapped his arms around Halt’s waist, drawing him as close as he could. Halt dropped his forehead onto his friend’s shoulder, breathing sharply. Tears dropped onto Crowley’s tunic and Halt cursed himself, his weakness. He should be calmer. He should be bantering with Crowley, not sobbing into his shoulder like a child. He should be doing this, should be doing that, <i> should be, should be, should be. </i> </p><p>It felt like there were glass shards burning through his chest, stripping away the armour he wrapped around his heart. He gritted his teeth at his shattering control. “Damnit.” His shoulders shook with the next sob, despite his desperate attempts to <i> stop. </i> “Damnit.”</p><p>“Oh, Halt,” Crowley whispered. Halt lifted his head and Crowley’s heart nearly cracked then and there. Halt looked devastated, his eyes bloodshot and brow knitted. His friend turned away, shame stinging at him. </p><p>“You shouldn’t have to see me like this.”</p><p>Crowley touched his jaw. “Halt. Look at me. It’s okay. You can get mad at me. You can cry. I won’t judge you.”</p><p>Halt didn’t respond for a while, just pushed the hair back from Crowley’s face while cupping the back of his head with the other. He shook like a leaf, even though his tears had ceased. He shouldn’t be acting like this, damnit. He has a reputation. He’s supposed to be unshakeable. </p><p>But he almost lost Crowley, and that was enough to shake him to his core. </p><p>“Tell me,” Crowley coerced. </p><p>Halt dragged the words out kicking and screaming. “I wouldn’t have been able to even say goodbye. All I could do was watch and wait. All I did was watch as Will was taken to Skandia, when I could have done something. I could have changed so much, but I <i> didn’t </i>. I just stood by.” He shook his head. “I should have done something.”</p><p>“Halt, I made it out. I’m alive. We’re alright. I know it was touch and go, I <i> know </i>, but it didn’t happen. You’re blaming yourself for something you didn’t do.”</p><p>“Exactly! What I didn’t do.”</p><p>“I’m alright. You’re thinking in hypotheticals, Halt. I’m alright. I promise.”</p><p>Still, the shadows darkened Halt’s eyes. Crowley dared to call himself Halt’s best friend, but he knew that even he wasn’t able to grasp the full extent of the burden Halt carried. Guilt already weighed heavily on Halt’s shoulders, and the thought that Crowley had added to that burden was a sobering one. And the guilt over Will— some parts of Halt were still raw and aching, broken and not yet fixed. The pain he had to be carrying was incredible. </p><p>“What happened to Will wasn’t your fault.”</p><p>“But I could’ve—”</p><p>“Jumped aboard a ship of thirty Skandians, defeated them all, and rescued Will?” Crowley knew the details from the report Halt had given him, and he couldn’t possibly understand how Halt believed he could’ve fixed it. </p><p>“I shouldn’t have let him get captured in the first place!” Halt snapped, then shuddered as a dry sob wracked his body. No more tears would come, but everything hurt. Breathing hurt. </p><p>“And how could you have done that?”</p><p>“If I hadn’t let him go—”</p><p>“Halt, it was the right thing to let him go on the mission. And he did save our forces. That wouldn’t have happened if you’d stopped him. You had no way of knowing what was going to happen.”</p><p>“I just—” Halt gestured vaguely in the air. When he next spoke, it was so quiet that Crowley could barely hear him. “I keep losing everyone.”</p><p>“Well, you’re not losing me,” Crowley said fiercely. “Not yet. Not ever.”</p><p>Halt’s fingers were strong, pressing into the back of Crowley’s neck and scalp. His eyes were torn with unhidden agony, yet they were steely. It was Halt who held him to vows and promises, simmering fire and unbending will contained by a form barely enough to hold him. Crowley couldn’t imagine a life without him, and evidently the feeling was mutual. </p><p>“Promise me.” Halt’s voice was quiet, the weakness gone. And yet, under the menacing tone, desperation. Crowley had really, truly hurt him. “Promise me that you’re not leaving me.”</p><p>Crowley didn’t think twice about it. “I promise. You are <i> never </i> losing me.”</p><p>Those words were what he had needed to hear. The tension drained from Halt’s frame, his expression almost tender. No smile was to be found, but the coldness in his eyes was gone. The pressure of his fingers softened to where he was cradling the back of Crowley’s neck. Crowley slid his hands to the back of his friend’s shoulders, so strong even though moments ago they had shaken with sobs. Halt was tough and hard, and yet just as human as them all. And Crowley loved him. He loved him so much.</p><p>“I love you,” he murmured, and leaned up to kiss Halt.</p><p>He felt Halt speak against his lips. “I know.”</p><p>Even though Crowley closed his eyes, Halt kept his open, because he knew there would be tears awaiting him if he closed them again. And he had to look at Crowley, he had to— to savour this, the kisses and touches and intimacy he had almost lost. If they’d been too late, if Crowley hadn’t gotten out when he did, if, if. It hurt to think about, but at the same time it was a glaring reminder. It was so easy to take these simple things for granted. </p><p>Crowley leaned his forehead against his friend’s as best he could. “Stop thinking. Be with me.”</p><p>A thousand objections, a thousand reasons Halt wasn’t good enough sprang up in Halt’s mind. They were bitter and tasted like years of souring poison, made from years of fear and distrust and so much hurt. But this time, Halt didn’t give in. He didn’t turn aside, reject Crowley or try and move away from it. It was time to deny the voice that kept saying he wasn’t worth being loved. </p><p>“Alright,” he simply said instead.</p><p>Their kisses were simple, gentle. The desperation from earlier was gone and they simply savoured the moment now. The last rays of the sun lit the room, already sliding into burnished orange as sunset coloured the sky outside. Soon the room would be in darkness, passing into cold as the warm day faded. They wouldn’t have much time together until the sleeping hours, but what little they had was enough. It had to be. </p><p>“Never again.”</p><p>“Never again,” Crowley agreed, not opening his eyes. “Never again.”</p><p>The promise shone between them like diamond, undimming, practically unbreakable. </p><p>But such promises, while sentimental and reassuring, are so very hard to keep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>they gay, folks. also, i’m fucking mean</p></blockquote></div></div>
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